Just for you: Best Jokes

Best joke in the world

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:

-My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:

-Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says:

-OK, now what?

Saving her hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

-Yes,I know‚ said the lady,I need both hands to hold onto this hat.
-But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!, said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied:

Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

Microsoft Hotline

A customer call the Hotline at Microsoft:

- I installed the beta version of Windows XP and Office 2000 it no longer works!

-We had the same problem ...

-And what did you do?

- I have installed Windows XP again!

After one hour call back client:

- Now there nothing works!

- Nothing new ...

The camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
-I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies Watson.
-And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.
-Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
-But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.
-Watson, you idiot! he says.Someone has stolen our tent!

Tools needed at fishing

One morning, to do something different, the wife takes the husband's fishing boat out on the lake and read a book. While reading it, appears a sentinel

- Hallo lady, can I ask you what are you doing here?ask patrol.

- Well, get it, read a book.

- You are in an area where fishing is prohibited, the man informs.

- Ok sir, but I do not fish, I read.

- Yes, but you have all necessary tools and you can start anytime. We'll have to go to the station.

- Okay, but I will accuse of sexual harassment, she said.

-But I don't even touched you, answer surprised man

- Yes, but you have all necessary tools and you can start anytime.

At doctor

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off:

-Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:

-Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....=))

In a bar

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams: